Joy, Love, Hope, and Pees

There are only a few hours of Christmas left, but I still wanted to wish everyone a happy one! I hope your day was full of good ol' family love and cheer. One of the kids that I babysit drew this picture and it cracks me up. I wanted to use it to convey my Merry Christmas message to you all.

Hope, love, joy, and pees...what more could ask for at Christmas time? Merry Christmas everyone!

Your Mama

I don't have to do much to keep myself entertained at work. As you may know, I am a paraprofessional at an elementary school. I work with the special ed kiddos and love it. They are so great. My kids give me a good story almost every day and even though I may present these stories to you with a hint of sarcasm, I truly do find joy in every one of these moments.

And with that serious note out of the way...on we go to the sarcasm part.

Today I was working with these two little second grade guys on their spelling and they started telling "your mama" jokes. Now, I realize that I should have done the right thing and told them to stop because what they were saying was inappropriate and disrespectful. Plus, we were supposed to be working. Well...I couldn't help myself. I had to listen and take notes so that I could share these harsh slams on moms with you all. I mean...we all used to do it right? Aren't you just the slightest bit curious as to how the "your mama" jokes have progressed since you used them? I am happy and honored to be the one to bridge the gap between generations for you all.

Here are the most frequent ones I heard from these two guys:

Your mama is so stupid she can't ring the doorbell.

Your mama is so stupid she doesn't know how to answer questions.

Your mama is so fat she doesn't know anything.

Your mama is so fat she doesn't know her ABC's.

Your mama is so fat she doesn't pay her bills.


And now....for my favorite...

Your mama is so stupid she didn't paint the wall green. (I never could figure out if he was actually saying 'Wal-greens,' but none the less, it still doesn't make a lick of sense.)


After that they just kept repeating the same ones over and over and eventually turned it into a song. At this point I realized that the moment had passed and we went back to our spelling lesson.

The Top Ten Things I Will Never Be Able To Do, Even If I Wanted To

Ah, my lovely blog followers, my deepest apologies for allowing so much time between posts. I hope Andy hasn't taken me off his blog roll...

My mom, sister and I just returned from a little Thanksgiving weekend trip to Las Vegas. They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, but I found that, for me, it was more like, "The money you bring to Vegas to gamble with stays in Vegas." Obviously I didn't win any money and no, I don't have any stories that should have "stayed in Vegas." (I mean, even if I did I couldn't tell you.) Probably the best thing we saw there was Mystere, a crazy acrobatic show performed by Cirque du Soleil. I was sitting there in the theater watching these people do these crazy stunts and I realized...these are things that I know for a fact I will never ever ever be able to do in my life. It was ridiculous. So, I have put together this Top Ten list to both share my experience with you and to highlight how much cooler these people are than me.

And now...

The Top Ten Things I Will Never Be Able To Do, Even If I Wanted To:

#10- Wear this outfit to work.


#9- Ride on the back of this snail.


#8- Stand on a large ball for more than 2 seconds without even moving.


#7- Hold onto someone while swinging upside down a million feet in the air. (Ok, not a million, but it was freakin' high!)



#6- Swing and flip from bar to bar with multiple other people trying to complete the same task...a million feet in the air.


#5- Balance myself on one hand on a small platform...a million feet in the air.


#4- Balance a very strong man upside down on my shoulder. (And let's face it, I couldn't be the other guy either.)


#3- Hang very high in the air by one hand while using my feet to flip a large metal cube around.


#2- That.


And, the number one thing that I will never be able to do even if I wanted to is....




I can't even explain what is happening here. It is real though...I saw it.


There you have it folks. I know you thought I was talented, but I have finally found some people who can out do me. The pictures don't really even do these people justice. The things they could do were crazy!!!!!!!!

I suppose I shouldn't be so negative, though. Maybe if I start now I could do one of those things. At least get that outfit and wear it to work.

A Little Voting Day Advice

The day is finally here. It is Election Day 2008 and this is supposed to be a big one!

Well, if you haven't gone out and voted yet or are still on the fence about who to vote for, I wanted to provide you with some last minute insights on the candidates.

I work at an elementary school and the election is the hot topic here today among the students. Seriously, these kiddos care about it and are not shy about sharing their opinions. I didn't have to bring it up once, they brought it up every time. I stood in the hallway this morning as the kids came in and they bombarded me with their opinions on who I should vote for. Some of them were literally mad that they aren't old enough to vote. Impressive.

So here is what I found out. It seems that Barack has the popular vote around here. Out of the 5 or 6 kids I talked to in depth (as in depth as you can get with a second grader) only two of them were for McCain. Each time any one of them told me who they favored I made sure to ask "why?" and these were the answers that I got:

Why Obama?
"He's cool"
"He's nice"
"He's funny"
"He'll lower our taxes"...to this I said, "not if you are rich" and she
replied with, "well, I'm not rich." Fair enough.

One of our autistic students just drew a picture of Obama and was chanting his name loudly. I think we all know his thoughts.

Why not Obama?
"He will kill people."

Why McCain?
"I like him"
"Because my dad's name is John"

And, my absolute favorite, when I asked one kiddo why I shouldn't vote for McCain he said, "He's going to die." Haha, I laughed a lot at that one.

I hope this helps all of you voters out there. These kids are pretty passionate about their decisions even if they don't actually have any good reason to be. Who knows, maybe they are on to something. Or maybe they just have passionate and vocal parents. :) Happy voting day!

Helping to Lower the Mouse Population One Trap at a Time

Oh my that was dramatic. I am still flustered as I document this event.

So for like three weeks now there has been a mouse living in my house. This is one bold mouse, too. He walks around like he owns the place.

Last week I ventured out to the store and stood staring at the array of mouse traps that there were to choose from. I decided to go the humane route and get one that doesn't kill the mouse, it just traps it and you let it go. Mistake. I did catch one, but freaked out when I had to let it go. I went outside with my gloves on ready to go and then just ended up throwing the whole trap in the trash can. The mouse sprung out at me just as I slammed the lid shut. I'm sure he got out and came back in the house too. I put the trap back later because apparently there was another mouse and I frequently saw him just walk right by it. He had figured me out. I finally got fed up and bought some good old fashion head snappin' mouse traps today. It was time to show this mouse whose house he was in.

I left around 9:00pm this evening to go watch The Hills with my lovely friends and when I came home I prepared myself to see if we'd had a catch. Trap #1 behind the door- clear. Trap #2 in the breakfast nook- clear. Trap #3 behind the chair in the living room...I think I see a tail...I think I see a little gray body....Ah I killed the cute little mouse!!!!!!!!!!! He was so small. He just wanted a little bite of the peanut butter that was laid out before him and then SNAP! right on the face/nose. It was very traumatic to see this.

Once I'd finished screaming and standing on the couch staring at it, my ever so patient fiancé had to talk me through the disposal of the mouse. It took quite a bit of talking too. I put a paper towel over the whole trap...backed up...bent down and reached...backed up...bent down again...had Alan count to three...twice, then I threw it in a bag and took him outside. Ha! Following that I had to clean his blood off the carpet. Sick.

So, that is my story. I wanted that mouse dead, but once I saw him lying there I shed a few tears and my heart was sad. It had to be done you say? Perhaps this is true, but if you just killed everyone that annoyed you in life you would probably be put in jail and you for sure wouldn't have very many friends. That is something to think about.

Hizah!!!!

It was a lovely fall day. Alan and I, along with two of our dearest friends stepped back into time through the simple act of handing a man in tights an $18.00 ticket, that we got for free, and stepping across the threshold of time. The Kansas City Renaissance Festival is an experience like none other and I want to share our journey with you all.

Before I begin, allow me to set the scene. Picture this...leather shops, beer stands, shirtless men, more push up corsets than you can handle, and the faint smell of pot hanging in the air. Ah yes, we had arrived. Goodbye 2008, hello 14th century!

First of all I would like to explain the type of people who work at the Renaissance Festival.
#1--Older people who really are talented, and enjoy acting, at a healthy level, in their spare time.
#2--"The theater kid." You remember them from when you were in high school...playing a character, costume changes, stage names, and being on stage in the spotlight is their LIFE!!!
#3--They wish that they had actually lived during this time period and may believe that they did at one time. They have their own costume for this event and constantly speak using Old English in their day to day speech.
#4--"I thought I'd meet a lot of chicks doing this job." You know that guy. He definitely picked the wrong place for this...unless you dig chicks with horns. He just ended up being really sweaty and pushing little kids on the medieval swing all day.

Now for the people who attend the Renaissance Festival:
#1--Serious fans. They have a season pass, their own parking space, an "I am the Renaissance Man" t-shirt, and have the daily schedule of events memorized.
#2--Theater kids who didn't make the cut. They show up in their homemade costumes and run around over using the Old English accent too loudly and attempt to show these people what they missed out on by not hiring them!! During our journey we saw an actual actor insult one of these types due to her lack of legitimate "Renaissance dialogue."
#3-- Cute families with their kids on leashes.
#4--Pot smokers.
#5--People who got free tickets and didn't really know what the Renaissance Festival was, but didn't have any plans on Sunday so they figured they'd check it out.

I'll let you guess what group we were in. Let me say though, we were not disappointed in our decision to attend this event. We were a little sad that we had forgotten to wear our capes, but satisfied none the less. I will just highlight some of our favorite moments.

The first was definitely the axe throw. You literally paid two bucks to chuck an axe at a wall. Seemed dangerous. The Deeb had a great time watchcing the weaker people attempt this dramatic feat. It was pretty funny. They hurled those darn things as hard as they darn well could and the handle would just loudly hit the wall and the axe would fall to the ground. When my strong and handsome fiance stepped up you know he gave an impressive show. He stuck 2 out of 3. I should mention that we also payed to throw ninja stars. The guy running that station got so into his part that he decided not to wear deoderant. Just embracing the renaissance culture...can't hate him for that.

The second event that is worth mentioning was the "Barbarian Warriors" section of the festival. Basically they give kids-of all shapes and sizes- a foam sword or axe, tell them not to take head shots, and release them into a fenced off clearing where they can just run around and "fight." This was quite entertaining to watch. Alan and I decided to train our kid to actually know how to sword fight, send him in there and let him DOMINATE everyone!! While he is in there we will go drink beer.

And now for the grand finale event that pretty much gave us our renaissance fill for the next year...or two. A joust! This is when the Deeb got really excited and attempted to join the renaissance culture by taking his shirt off. It was back on in about two minutes. The Master of Ceremonies got us all riled up while we chose our favorite jouster, a kid in a cape/robe in the front row yelled constantly with all his might in his best Old English accent, and a woman in front of us educated us on how different this show would be than actual jousting. The Deeb wanted to see a for real joust to the death, but she insisted that it would be too bloody and that a lot of people would sue. (She was one of those "serious fans" that I described earlier.) Finally, the show began and despite our cheering, the jouster of Alan's and my choice fell from his horse. Then the tides turned and Sir Matthew arose and forced Sir Marcus, under the blade of his sword, to surrender his win and challenged him to a "joust to the death" at the hour of 5. Unfortunatley, we could not stay around for that.

We took one more lap around ye old fair and then left the gates of the past and stepped back into 2008. Our world. Sometimes it is good to leave the world for awhile and experience something new with good friends. Just know that you don't need a cape, a corset, or pot to fully understand the people and culture of this time. All you need is an $18.00 ticket, a friend who is willing to take his shirt off for a few minutes, and a strong, handsome man who can chuck an axe into a wall. The Renaissance Festival will provide you with the rest. Hope to see you there next year.

False Advertising

Yesterday my fiance and I were driving out to Youthfront Camp West for a fun filled day of paintball supervising. Well, he was paintball supervising and I was hang out supervising. What?

Anyway...we got off at exit 202 and there was a sign there that read, "HUGE Garage Sale This Way!!" Then it provided some nice arrows just to get us going in the right direction. This sign was of interest to us because Alan and I will be moving into a place of our own soon and we are a little short on the dough, if you know what I mean. I felt good about this particular sign because it did say HUGE sale and most of the houses out in this country like setting were pretty sweet. Sweet houses=sweet stuff to sell at garage sales.

I ran into Alan right in the middle of my 'hanging out time' at camp and he kindly reminded me to go check out the HUGE sale. Around 4pm my friend Alli and I decided to venture out and find the HUGE sale. I was pretty excited. The whole way there I was dreaming of all the wonderful things I would find there and trying to figure out how I would get them back home. As we ventured down the road we passed some big beautiful houses and I knew we'd hit the jackpot. Signs directing us to the HUGE sale kept coming..."Keep going!", "This Way!", "You're Getting Closer!" Our anticipation mounted.

We eventually reached a stop sign and in front of us were now two signs. One that again pointed us onward to this HUGE sale and another that said, "Dead End." We soon realized that this road dead-ended right into the driveway of this HUGE sale. We were in a bit of an awkward situation because we couldn't pull the ol' "drive by and if it sucks just keep going" trick. Nope, if we went forward we had to commit to getting out of the car and checking out this HUGE sale. Well, right when we pulled up we knew that this was a mistake, but the kids had already spotted us and gone in to tell mom and dad that they had costumers. Here is what we saw at the HUGE sale: one small rack of really old clothes and a couple tables with really small worthless items on them. I was so disappointed at what the word HUGE turned out to mean. So, we spoke a few words to the family and made a two courtesy laps around the HUGE sale, knowing that there was no effing way we would ever buy anything. Then we had to figure out an escape route. Alli handled our exit beautifully. We began walking towards the car, she looked at the family, waved and said, "Thank you!" It was beautiful. On the way out we passed another car on its way to the HUGE sale and we considered waving her off, but could see that dreamy, hopeful look in her eyes and we just couldn't be the ones to crush her garage sale-ing dreams. Hope she didn't make a special drive out for that one.

In conclusion, we may not have come away from the HUGE sale with anything to write home about, but not all was lost. I got to ride in Alli's new car, Alli got to drive her new car, we saw some lovely sights, had some good laughs, and ended up with a pretty decent story. If I wouldn't have gone to check out the HUGE sale for myself I would have still been dreaming up all of the possible items they had that I missed out on. The lesson learned? If God presents you with a very clear sign that says, "Dead End" take it literally and save yourself some gas.

seriously?

ok it has been over a year since i have blogged. its like, i am cool because i have a blog, but i'm not actually that cool because i never blog. i apologize to all of my fans out there...which i think is just me...i will try to turn over a new leaf and write more. i did give the blog a little make-over. i think it will help.

so i am para-ing it up these days at good ol' rosehill elementary. it isn't my dream job, but i love those darn kids and i have a good story almost every day. nothing too good today. i started my morning by changing wet pants. that's always a nice way to start the day. :)

yesterday i attempted to sue my dentist. my hope was that he wouldn't show up in court, but there he was! scared the poop out of me. (not literally.) i did my best to stand up for all those who have ever been screwed by insurance! i think i would have made you proud. i didn't win completley, but i didn't lose either. i know i made him feel at least a little bad because i cried the whole darn time. a legal victory? Not really. A moral victory? Absolutely!

don't worry, this post was mostly just a warm-up. they will only get better.